Just Had to Say

Today was a very hard day.  The future is bright.  The past is funny/sad, with an emphasis on funny.  Right now is just hard.

So I had to post this which I thought of while reading C Jane’s blog, referred by Alison Wonderland, whose blog you really oughta read.  A lot.

Anyway, once upon a time I thought that it was comforting to say, or to hear, “well, I’m doing my best.”  Then I witnessed the following, reproduced verbatim:

Underwriter’s assistant: I don’t know what is happening with the loan file you submitted.  I’ll try to find out.
Loan officer: That’s not good enough.  You told me that when I called the last time.
UA, a bit hot under the collar: This isn’t my fault.  The underwriter has been out sick.
LO, calm, but firm: I understand that, but I don’t care.  I have clients that are losing thousands while I wait for your company to do its job.
UA, indignant: Sir, I am doing my best.
LO, with a small sigh: I was afraid of that.

Since then, I have never been able to take much comfort from knowing I was doing my best.  Because frequently I know how pathetic my best really is, and how woefully inadequate my efforts are in view of the tasks I am set, I struggle to believe that my best is really the best.  In fact, I know it is not, and I see the size of the gap as the size of my failure.

Here’s another one.  Dad is helping daughter onto the swingset.  She’s grateful, and turns to her father and says “Oh, Dad!  You’re the best dad you can be!”

Hear that and don’t feel stung, I dare you.

I know that tomorrow I will realize that the Atonement of Christ makes my ineptitude irrelevant, as long as I trust in Him.  But tonight, deep in the night, all I feel is that I’m awfully afraid I’m doing my best.

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